A recommendation for the First Teleprompter

Cue the teleprompter…

“My fellow Americans, let me begin tonight by stating something clearly, irrevocably, and with absolute certainty. I am an idiot. It is not my intention that my idiocy be linked to my health care, tax, energy, or economic policies. The manifestation of my idiocy was quite brilliantly illustrated in my comments in regards to the Cambridge police and the events involving Henry Louis Gates. There are many reasons for me to admit my stupidity in this matter and I would like to take this opportunity to clearly discuss each point so that we may move beyond this matter.

To begin with, it was an immeasurably irresponsible and borderline reckless decision to offer my opinion, as President of the United States on national television, on a matter in which I did not know all the facts. In exacerbation of my ignorance to the matter, the information I was privy to was biased and only discussed a single side of the circumstances involved in the matter. As president it should be expected of me to only offer my opinion on matters in which I actually have a full understanding. If I feel it is necessary to qualify a statement by saying, ‘I should say at the outset that Skip Gates is a friend, so I may be a little biased here. I don’t know all the facts,’ then I need to learn to keep my fool mouth shut. I acknowledge my oversight on this behavior of basic common sense. In my defense, the comment on the Gates’ incident was made at the end of a press conference in which I spoke extensively about legislation that I have not actually read. I now fully acknowledge and have learned that it is idiotic to speak on matters in which I do not know the facts.

Next was the dim-witted decision to utter the phrase “acted stupidly.” As a master politician and a brilliant orator, I should have known that saying, “acted stupidly” in regards to anything was a mistake. As a grown man and leader of the free world, I should have remembered that calling someone or something stupid is on par with the intelligence displayed in any disagreement had on any of the playgrounds in America. The appropriate and post-adolescent comment would have simply been that I disapproved of something or someone. As I previously stated, I should have kept my mouth shut on this matter, but if I just could not contain sharing my opinion I should have just said I disapproved with the actions of the police. Once again, in my defense, I have been spending the last year calling George W Bush stupid. Calling something stupid has become a natural reaction for me when I disagree with it.

Last, but not least, I was an idiot for casting a shadow upon the brave men and women in law enforcement. I now understand the idiocy of declaring that law enforcement across the nation is discriminatory against African Americans and Hispanics. I have never spent a single day of my life in harms way in attempt to help bring safety and peace to my fellow citizens. I, in fact, place hundreds of men and women in harms way everyday simply by my existence as president. Given this complete absence of any basic understanding of the circumstances involved in the day to day task of keeping a community safe, it was unwise to pass judgment upon the entire scope of law enforcement in reaction to my buddy Skip getting arrested. I did not comprehend the additional pressure and the increased stress that my gaffe would place upon law enforcement. It is my hope that these brave men and women will continue to keep me, my family, and each American safe no matter how much I choose to besmirch their character and malign their integrity. I now understand the idiocy of calling into question the integrity and authority of those that volunteer to put themselves at risk to protect others. In my defense, Reverend Wright did always teach us that white people were constantly oppressing African Americans by abusing their power.

In conclusion, I am an idiot. I spoke with the forethought of a drunken frat boy enraged by the detention of his friend. It is my hope that this instance will not have a lasting effect to the detriment on the growing racial peace and tolerance in America. It is my hope that my comments will be drowned out by the steady flow of speeches and press conferences that I will continue to give as long as I continue to find unexplainable joy in the sound of my own voice. Please do not take this comment as an omission of guilt or in any way interpret and apologetic tone. It is like I stated to begin my address, I only wish to saliently and candidly pronounce and explain a simple concept. I am an idiot.

Good night and God Bless America.”

- The Banker

Just a bunch of junk

Government is a lot like junk food. Junk food is technically food and an option when you are hungry. The problem is that when you are hungry it is usually a bad idea to satiate that hunger with potato chips and candy. As adults we understand that junk food does not satiate our needs and will typically lead us to having an upset stomach. Worse than replacing a meal with junk food is making junk food a part of your diet. As poorly a substitute as junk food is in the short term, the long term effects of having junk food as a part of a person’s diet are far more damaging. Instead of supporting life, which is the basic purpose of food, junk food actually will damage life.

Now that is not to say that junk food is always bad. Junk food has a designed purpose and it serves that purpose well. Junk food is there for a snack. It is there for people to enjoy occasionally and with moderation. Ice cream is good for desert. A candy bar is a good snack when you have sweet tooth. Some potato chips are a good addition to a well made sandwich.

There is a perfectly good purpose for junk food and junk food is amazing when used for that intended purpose. It is when we stray from that intended purpose that we begin to harm ourselves. The important thing is that we understand that it is our responsibility as junk food eaters to eat it right. It is not the junk food’s fault if we lack the will power to resist the temptation of a tasty treat, and if we find ourselves obese from too much junk food then we must accept the difficulties of regaining our health.

Government is just like junk food. Government has a purpose, and it suits that purpose very well. We even have instructions as to what is the purpose of government. We as a people find ourselves at fault when we begin to overindulge in government. Much like junk food is always tasty, the idea of passing off our responsibilities and problems to a faceless institution seems to be quite provocative. But much as junk food fails to satiate our hunger, government will fail to adequately address our responsibilities and problems. If as a nation we begin to use government in ways outside its purpose then we will find ourselves quite unhealthy as a people.

- The Banker