Barack Obama gave me pink eye

So I am sitting here at my apartment in a state of quarantine. I went to the optometrist this morning because I have been suffering what I thought to be problems with my allergies since Tuesday. To my surprise I was informed that I in fact have come down with a case of pink eye. I know that pink eye is not a rare abnormality, but it is for me. To make matters worse, I require contacts in order to see clearly any more than six inches from my face, and due to the eye drops I have to take, I am operating for the weekend without the ability to see. The comedy of watching me strain my eyes with my nose brushing the computer monitor as I type these very words is worthy of the finest juvenile entertainers.

Other than my complete boredom and borderline humiliation due to helplessness, there are other problems with my ailment. For starters, I have been of little value at work for the last few days because I have not been able to see clearly or deal with other people since the sight of my irritated eyes is enough to inspire memories of Night of the Living Dead. Due to the quarantine, I have obviously had to miss work entirely today. The last thing the American economy needs right now is for another banker to not be working.

In addition to missing work, I will also be missing my opportunity to receive my concealed handgun license (CHL) tomorrow. I have been looking forward to this for quite some time. But the significance of me missing my CHL class is not merely one of my personal disappointment or of the lack of increased security that my fellow Americans would have felt with my enhanced ability to protect myself and others from violent criminals (possible terrorists and a few ninjas). The real significance of my missing the CHL class is that it shines the light upon the cause of my illness.

Newly elected President Barack Obama.

To be quite frank, Barack Obama gave me pink eye. I borrowed the logic of a few liberal acquaintances to deduce this profound conclusion. It was quite simple logic in fact.

I did not have pink eye for the previous eight years, but I was infected with pink eye on the same day that Barack Obama was sworn in as president. That in and of itself clearly proves that he is the cause of the pink eye. He was in office when the pink eye occurred and for that reason the blame falls squarely upon him. It is his responsibility to ensure the health of the American people. When George W. Bush was the president, his eye care policies produced eight years in which I did not suffer from pink eye. However Obama's eye care policies have been a abject failures and I have paid the price. Not only have his policies failed to prevent me from getting pink eye, but I have yet to receive a single shred of federal aid to ensure my own personal well being. I think it is because Barack Obama hates Texans. I can see no other explanation.

His motivation for giving me pink eye is clear. Barack Obama did not want me to get my CHL. He is a proponent of limiting gun rights and so is doing whatever he has the ability to do in order to prevent me from getting my CHL. Which in this case meant I had to get pink eye. Barack Obama purposely introduced pink eye into my community because he hates Texans and does not want us to be able to utilize our rights. Once again, the logic is clear. Barack Obama is the president as this happens so it is clearly his fault and his will.

I know what some of you are thinking, "Banker, it is your personal responsibility to maintain the health of your eye. You have to make sure you clean your hands before touching your eyes, avoid people that may also have pink eye, and stay away from places where you can get pink eye." If you are thinking that you are a heartless idiot and obviously hate Texans too. It is the government's job to remove all pink eye hazards from this nation in order to protect me from them. George W. Bush apparently did this because I never got pink eye when he was the president. Barack Obama has failed to do this since I now have pink eye.

So I have pink eye. Barack Obama gave me pink eye. It is his fault and it is his responsibility to fix it. He should be impeached for letting it happen. At the very least I can not wait until 2012 to get him out of office so we can enjoy the eye health that we enjoyed during the Bush administration.

-the Banker