The Banker goes to a rock show

In an attempt to make me more culturally relevant, the Rocker asked me to come out to see his band play. In spite of having to go to work the next day, I decided to be a good trooper and come watch. The following is the running diary of the night.

10:12 – Finding a parking spot on the square in Denton requires 15 minutes of driving in circles (I guess technically in squares) until someone is leaving and you are in the right place at the right time. Epic fail.

10:27 – I was supposed to be at the show at 9pm to pre-party with the band, but Pale Rider was on AMC. Then the end of the Bucket List was on and if Morgan Freeman narrates something then I am forced to watch it. After the Bucket List, Cinemax was airing a movie called Super Ninja Bikini Babes. I decided to skip Super Ninja Bikini Babes to go to the Rocker’s show. I am forced to acknowledge the marketing brilliance of adult filmmakers. It is awfully hard to pass up a show titled Super Ninja Bikini Babes, but I am a true fan of Redefine. (The Rocker’s band)

10:29 – The Rocker asks if I Tivo’d Super Ninja Bikini Babes. For the record, I did not. The only thing sadder than Tivoing soft core pornography on Cinemax is a grown man living in his mom’s basement. Or possibly writing a running diary during a rock show.

10:32 – The opening band’s name should have something to do with man boobs.

10:35 – Redefine groupies….check. Bankers do not have groupies. Advantage Rocker.

10:37 – The lead singer of Man Boobs tells an uninterested audience to do something. They do not. Fail.

10:42 – I have gone upstairs on the loft to write in peace. There is a nasty couch up here that looks like it was a hand me down from the club owner’s cousin. The cousin that was an adult filmmaker in the 70s. I have never been afraid of furniture until now.

10:44 – The Man Boobs have a song called “Panty Dropper” that they are about to perform. Unless it is about the fact that they regularly drop their sister’s delicates when they fold laundry back at their parent’s house then it must be entirely fictional.

10:45 – The song is fictional.

10:47 – I wish this place had a cocktail waitress. If a club has multiple levels then it should have either a bar on each level or cocktail waitresses. This needs to be a city building and zoning ordinance. We need to campaign for this kind of change. YES WE CAN!

10:50 – The Man Boobs forget the name of the next band in an extremely awkward silence that is only broken by a member of the crowd that is casually listening and yells out the next band’s name. The Rocker is mortified because Redefine is the next band.

10:52 – The lead singer of Man Boobs gives the following advice about life. “This next song is about fate. It’s in your hands. Live your life and change your fate!” The inspiring words hit me like a ton of bricks. Until I use my brain and realize the irony of controlling your own fate.

10:54 – The song is so good that I have the free time to look up the definition of fate on my Blackberry.

Fate – an inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end.

The key word of that definition is inevitable.

10:58 – The Man Boobs are done. The Rocker is setting the stage for his turn to rock. Time for me to mingle with the crowd.

11:01 – I went to college with the bartenders at the bar. I consider this moment in time as an incredible advertisement for the virtues of occasional class attendance and devoting as much energy towards scholastic achievement as alcoholic beverage consumption when one is attending college. They are good bartenders though so maybe they have a Brian Flanagan thing going.

11:03 – There is a very weird lady walking around looking for the right guy to buy her enough drinks. There is nothing out of the ordinary about seeing girls like this in a college town, but most of them do not dress like the leading lady in an 80s hair band music video. The long, black coat with the fur collar is a nice touch with the overly curled and teased blond hair.

11:08 – Setting up for their turn on stage proves that all band guys are A/V nerds.

11:10 – The Rocker has the coolest rock girlfriend ever. She is also a banker which I feel gives her the above mentioned coolness. She is the perfect hybrid.

11:15 – I can’t help but smile when I think about how many overdraft fees will be caused by bar tabs and pretty girls at the venue tonight. I think this puts me about two steps away from being the kind of evil banker that forecloses on orphanages and the elderly.

11:18 – The rocker uses two guitars to rock but I only need one pen to bank. The pen is mightier.

11:21 – I just looked at the roof here. By no definition of structural integrity would I consider this to be secure. I am literally risking my personal safety by being here. This along with the fact that I passed up Super Ninja Bikini Babes proves my Redefine fan street cred.

11:22 – I want to set up a merch booth at my bank. People need shirts commemorating my banking skills and service, and I need more of their money.

11:24 – Watching the soundboard guys gives me a new found appreciation for him. His job seems extremely too difficult given the size of the soundboard and the number of knobs and buttons on it. He deserves groupies too.

11:25 – I openly wonder why we don’t have more shows about the dumb things that drunk people do. It seems like these kinds of shows would be wildly entertaining.

11:26 – In response to my drunk show question, I am immediately reminded about MTV by those around me. I was completely wrong about the entertainment value of shows about drunk people being idiots.

11:32 – The Rocker does a lot of hair flipping. If there was a talent scout from Pantene or L’Oreal then he would be sponsored in a heartbeat.

11:34 – I am amazed at people that can write original music. The talent it takes to make sound that people will like and lyrics they will identify with is insane.

11:35 – Why are more recorders not used in bands? We all know how to play them. It seems like learning Hot Cross Buns in the 2nd grade is the instrument’s peak.

11:37 – A bearded man in a Hawaiian shirt sits down and is consumed by the mystery couch. The properties of this couch may be of interest to both the Center for Disease Control and Prevention and Stephen Hawking.

11:40 – Someone just bought a shot for the Rocker. This has never happened to me at work. Advantage Rocker.

11:48 – Where on the classiness scale do you place the girl that makes out along the railing of the loft of a smoky bar in Denton, TX with a guy in cargo shorts?

11:51 – The girl on the railing is the weird lady from earlier. Was it the fur collar or the heels that put her Mr. Right Now over the top? Had they made out on the mystery couch my head may have exploded.

12:00 – The Rocker just apologized for something. Rock means never saying you are sorry for anything.

12:01 – The best thing about Redefine, other than the music and the Rocker’s hair, is that the Broski count in the audience is zero. This is a sign of quality music.

12:03 – The audience is fighting one another. I am told this is another sign of quality music.

12:05 – I’m disappointed that Redefine does not have a song about women’s undergarments and the effect of gravity upon said undergarments. They have a lot to learn from Man Boobs.

12:07 – In spite of my concern, I am told that the constipated face that the Rocker is making is a natural and good “rock face”. WebMD begs to differ.

12:15 – The show is over and I am heading home for the night. It was a good show and I learned a lot of interesting things. I mention that the Rocker should come to the bank tomorrow and do a running diary of me at work. He slurs out some kind of response that I think meant that the bank would be closed for the day before he would be awake. The life of a rocker…

- The Banker